A colleague who just heard your presentation at work is giving you some feedback that you were too quiet, you didn’t get to the point quickly enough and you lacked a compelling example.
Your breathing goes shallow and your body stiffens, your heart speeds up and you look around to see if anyone is in earshot of this conversation. You worked for days perfecting this presentation–days!
Faced with the often-difficult experience of feedback, many of us respond in unproductive ways. But taking in feedback from others, both positive and negative, is imperative if we are to experience the satisfaction that comes with enhanced competence and improved relations.
It is possible–and necessary–to think positively about feedback. Here are some guidelines that can help.
Turning “Feedback” into “Food for Thought”
Track your own reactions. What body sensations, thoughts and emotions arise? Recognize that whatever comes up for you is your responsibility. When we own our own reactions, we’re better able to receive the information and communicate with the other person.
Listen with an open mind. Without confirming or denying the validity of the person’s perception of you, simply listen and take in what he or she has to say.
Be curious. It may be appropriate later, but while you’re listening to feedback, don’t explain or defend yourself. Ask for more observations and information. What does the person expect or want you to do differently? Ask questions to be sure you understand what the person is saying.
Regard all feedback as beneficial. Feedback can help you recognize unproductive habitual styles, improve your work, your offering, your products and services. In any form, it is a gift.
Focus on the message. When feedback is given harshly or by someone with whom we struggle, or if there is a mixture of truth and personal distortion, forget about the package that the message comes in. Focus only on the message. What is the valuable kernel of truth? What can you learn from it?
Get help. To make the best of the feedback, ask trusted friends to listen, encourage and offer suggestions. Work with a coach. Even in settings in which people are expected to be self-reliant, it’s difficult to make significant change without encouragement.
Reframe the feedback. When we put feedback in a positive light, negative emotions and responses lose their grip. For example, you could see the feedback on your presentation as a way to improve your chances of promotion, leading you to improve your skills in various ways. Or, the feedback may point you to greater success in a position that does not require presentation skills.
The bottom line: Taking feedback to heart puts you in control. It may require ruthless self-honesty and a little detective work, but the payoff is worth it.
